Reality Bites: Fluff and Nonsense 

I don’t know who was tasked with jotting down a list of essentials during the first two phases of the lockdown, but I suspect it was Union Finance Minister Nirmala Sitharaman. As we have seen, Ms Sitharaman spends more time doing other useful things for her party (like tweeting midnight tirades against a certain member of the Opposition) than her job. Please do not read this as criticism of the dear lady—as a responsible Indian who is traumatised over the sorry state of our economy, I’m grateful that she stays as far away from finance as possible.

The reason why I’m pretty certain she dictated the list of essentials is because many absolutely vital things had been left out. Remember when we complained about the rising price of onions? She wrinkled her nose and brusquely informed us (in a flamboyant Rhett Butler manner) that she didn’t give a damn because she never eats onions.

I desperately needed a needle and thread to sew masks for the family, but those weren’t on the essentials list—ah well, Sitharaman’s aunty sews her bahi-khatas and other stuff, so I guess that’s why she doesn’t care. I also needed a pressure cooker: mine had stopped leering and whistling crudely at me, and attempted to bomb me instead (perhaps it was angry that I had ignored its advances?). And many, many other things like duct tape—an absolute must when electricians and plumbers are locked up as well.

I feel terribly guilty about complaining, though, because there are millions of Indians who aren’t getting food and have no money to travel back home, now that it has finally been allowed. Oddly enough, the new PM CARES Fund has not jumped to their rescue. Even more peculiar is the fact that these jobless, penniless migrants are being made to pay extra money to go home—some poor things have been desperate enough to take loans for that purpose—if there’s hell on earth, it is here! But hey, we’ve been told that we cannot raise questions on the PM CARES Fund—not even basic questions like who does the PM actually care for.

Fortunately for the PM, most of India’s journalists are obedient. Besides, many of them, including legendary editors, think it’s a sign of weakness to ask questions. “Bad optics” they thunder, substance be damned. They formed a little pack and attacked Rahul Gandhi for asking former RBI Governor Raghuram Rajan questions on how to deal with the economic fall out of COVID-19, and insisted that Rahul Gandhi should have provided the answers himself. Many of us were stunned, because our teachers had drilled it into our heads that only vacuous people don’t ask questions. Filmmaker Amit Mehra said it all when he tweeted that these journalists “think Rahul should have been providing answers to an expert, just like Modi told Airforce (sic) that radars don’t work in cloudy weather. Jokers!” Mr Mehra said many other colourful things as well, far too colourful to repeat, but I had a good laugh.

I’m sure some of you know a few of these journalists well, so I’m warning you now: never ever go on driving trips to remote areas with any of them at the wheel: they won’t stop to ask for directions (it’s bad for optics, no?) and you may never find your way back home. Who knows, you may even encounter a bear who will hug you to death. Please do not follow the example of these journalists, or else interviews with politicians will be reduced to fluff with silly little Akshay Kumaresque queries about how the PM eats mangoes. But wait, I have a series of silly little questions for doctors and health workers first:

1. When Air Force planes and navy choppers showered petals on hospitals last Sunday, did you gather the petals and sew them into protective face masks, or did you stuff them into your nostrils and mouths to block the virus?
2. How should we eat mangoes during the COVID-19 outbreak? Should we suck them like the PM, or is it safer to peel them and eat them with forks?
3. How happy were you when the PM had a brainstorm on COVID-19 with sports stars and celebs instead of doctors? Very happy; Very, very happy; Very, very, very happy