Reality Bites: ‘Calming’ cows for BJP ministers

I’m blushing like a beetroot and hiding from the world as I type this. I hope by the time this article is published a week later, the world would have stopped sniggering at the Indian government’s reaction to a tweet by Rihanna. All she said was, “why aren’t we talking about this?! #FarmersProtest”, and boom! Slapstick is an understatement for the way this played out. Why, an FIR has even been filed by Delhi Police against a teenager for supporting the protests: Swedish environmental activist Greta Thunberg.

It’s no secret that External Affairs Minister S Jaishankar has serious anger management issues (I do hope he has apologised for his churlish behaviour towards US Congresswoman Pramila Jayapal during the Trump regime by now). I cannot understand why the Sangh Parivar hasn’t offered him treatment yet.

All they have to do is take him to one of their cow sheds and get him to stroke cows for a month or two. His party colleague ‘Sanyasin’ Thakur (better known as the “alleged” Malegaon bomber) can instruct him whether to do the Right-to-Left or the Left-to-Right stroke. She had demonstrated this on camera to a Godi/Modi media anchor, and the nation watched with fascination as he pretended to be awe-struck.

Or, better still, the Sangh Parivar could gift Jaishankar a cow—I’m sure his large government bungalow has enough room for an entire herd, and he can even grow fodder for them on his vast lawns. In fact, I think every BJP minister and every member of the Sangh Parivar’s propaganda cell must be given a calming cow each—that may stop them from throwing hissy fits on social media. One word of criticism against their party, and they start wielding metaphorical iron rods.

Meanwhile in the real world, BJP states come down like a ton of bricks on their critics. Apart from routinely sending them to jail without bail, they have also kicked off new ways to silence them. In Madhya Pradesh, you cannot get a driving licence without submitting a “character certificate” first. This is also a lovely way for state transport department employees to earn pocket money, something all of us have been desperately short of since the Dear Leader destroyed India’s economy with Demonetisation in 2016.

In Uttarakhand, police will now scrutinise social media. If they consider your posts “anti-national” (read anti-BJP), they may not clear verification for your passport or arms licence. You could, of course, delete your old account and create a new one with a bio that says, “Proud Hindu who is proud to be followed by NM” before you apply for either.

Madhya Pradesh and Uttarakhand are just trying to catch up with Uttar Pradesh, the most ‘progressive’ state in India today. So much as take part in a protest there, and your mugshot, address and phone number will be up on hoardings. Your phone will never stop ringing, and sadly, not even one of those callers will politely ask you to audition for a toothpaste commercial or a Bollywood film.

Recently, Manik Sarkar (a much-loved Left leader and former chief minister of Tripura) urged the people of West Bengal not to vote for the BJP. He implied that they were far worse than the Left’s biggest rival in the state, the TMC—that’s huge! See what they’ve done to Tripura before you vote, was his warning: “Take a train to Tripura, talk to rickshaw pullers and grocers and learn from them what a blunder they committed by voting the BJP to power in the state.”

Which is why I cannot understand why people cozily ensconced in non-BJP states would even consider voting for the BJP. Look what the BJP has done to the nation first: they have destroyed democracy, the economy, harmony etc. They treat protestors like terrorists and would even pinch barbed wire, iron spikes and bricks from the LoC and LAC to keep them away from Delhi.

If the farmers’ protest lasts for a few more months, the wall they’re building on Delhi’s borders will possibly replace the Great Wall of China as one of the Seven Wonders of the World, and I shudder to think what President Xi will do to us then. He has anger management issues too, you know.