Positive vibes: Don’t worry, be happy

Hours before the nation-wide COVID-19 lock- down on 24th March, the Prime Minister held a meeting with owners and editors of mainstream print media houses and ordered them to “be positive.” They meekly acquiesced, because government ads are far more valuable than the truth.

I have decided to be positive too. So here goes: I’m positive that the best use for most newspapers in India today is to line cages in zoos. I’m going to use the lockdown period to train friendly neighbourhood pigeons to answer the call of nature on newspapers too. I hope this turns into a big movement across the nation— after all, although our visionary PM is trying very hard to build even more statues with what- ever little money is left in our shabby economy, there really aren’t enough for all the pigeons across India, and their tummies are runny most of the time. Perhaps the Gates Foundation will give him yet another award for toilets for our feathered friends too?

That would be a huge honour, and I’d be proud to be the brains behind it. I feel positively upbeat when I read stories about NGOs outperforming many state governments in providing humanitari- an relief to stranded migrant labourers and the poor who have been hit the worst by the Covid-19 lockdown. Food has been provided by all, shelter as well by some. It’s good to know that while many governments don’t give a damn, citizens do. More power to us, I say!

I felt positively giddy with excitement when US President Donald Trump demanded that India lift the ban on exports of hydroxychloro- quine (a controversial COVID-19 drug) or there would be “retaliation”. I knew exactly what our strong, courageous PM would do, and I was right—he capitulated and metaphorically waved Trump’s “America First” cap. I so enjoyed the ridiculous spin his support- ers put on it. They didn’t disappoint, and the award goes to Rahul Kanwal of India Today.

He pointed out in a prim teacher’s pet kind of voice, “A friend in need is a friend indeed.” I would have been happier, though, if Kanwal had taken it a step further and said that cheesy end-of-term autograph book thingie: “Friendship is like china/ Costly, rich, and rare/ Once broken can be mended/ But the crack is always there.”

That would have been a hoot! While it’s evident that our current PM believes that Donald Trump comes first, I’m pos- itive that in his mind, he comes next. That’s why he ignored the existing Prime Minster’s National Relief Fund (set up by India’s first PM Jawaharlal Nehru in 1948) and created a brand new one: ‘PM CARES Fund’. It is now known in whispers as ‘PM CARES for PM CARES Fund’.

He loves it so much, a journalist reported that union ministers were ordered to “pressurise” industrialists and businessmen to donate to this fund alone. As an added incentive, a new directive was issued: donations to his fund can be claimed as Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) spending by companies, however donations to State Relief Funds and Chief Minister’s Relief Funds cannot. Shame, because many states have done much more towards Fighting COVID-19 than the lethargic Centre.

I positively fell out of my chair laughing, when, soon after I read about this unfair act, I saw a clip of the PM at a video conference with chief ministers, and he had a hanky tied around his face: the perfect masked bandit look! Was there a hidden message in this? Has self-realisation finally dawned? If yes, hallelujah! I am positively hopeful that non-BJP state governments will fight this tooth and nail.

CPM General Secretary Sitaram Yechury tweeted, “This is unacceptable. States are on the frontline battling the pandemic despite a severe fund crunch. Instead of providing them additional funds, even legitimate dues are denied by the Centre. #COVID__19”. Murmurs are rising about this being against the constitutional principle of federalism, and Kerala has called for a webinar of non-BJP finance ministers to thrash this out.

Finally, rival parties have one thing in common—even the CPM and the TMC are in agreement, gosh! I sincerely hope they will take this further. This increasing centralisation of power is begin- ning to choke us. Finally, I’m positively looking forward to the end of the lockdown—aren’t you?