New Year resolutions of the guys and the ‘Gais’ of the Republic in 2020

The RSS-BJP’s vision for 2020 is very clear: throw Indians into the saffron fires of hell, and ensure that non-Hindus and all dissenters fry first. In the end, only bigots who praise the RSS-BJP and donate generously will survive. Oh, and cows will walk on the charred remains of India too, because the Sangh Parivar cannot live without consuming milk, ghee, dahi, not to mention those other things cows produce from their rear ends.

While we gasp at the horrific situation in Uttar Pradesh where riot police behave like rioters and arrest old people for carrying Anti-CAA/NRC/NPR posters, lie about protestors shouting “Pakistan zindabad” (this lie was nailed by fact-checker AltNews), yell disgraceful “go to Pakistan” chants at Muslims, assault and kill protestors, and attempt to physically strangle Opposition leaders, this is only the beginning of the end.

UP is under the unstable leadership of someone called Ajay Singh Bisht. He didn’t like his real name (too ordinary for him, perhaps?) and changed it to Yogi Adityanath without a newspaper advertisement legally announcing the name change, I suspect, because where the heck is the proof: can he show us his papers?

This Gai (he loves cows more than humans, so we may as well call him Gai and not guy) was handpicked for the job of chief minister because of his glorious past as a rioter. There are many serious criminal cases against him for rioting (with and without deadly weapons), of which he modestly declared only six in his election affidavit. Oddly enough, he has never offered to pay for any damage he caused to public property on his rioting sprees, so he’s a hypocrite as well. Frightening, because this Gai is setting the template for the rest of India.

I wonder if you noticed that former Maharashtra chief minister Devendra Fadnavis had been handpicked for the post because he too has serious criminal charges against him that include rioting? And hey, even our Dear Leader presided over one of the deadliest riots in 2002.

While rioting appears to be a huge advantage for those looking for top posts, the RSS-BJP’s fondness for other criminals is growing. Let’s not forget the long list of criminal charges against the minister for termites—they may have been replaced by clean chits, but we know how that works. Alleged terrorists out on bail are gradually being given juicy posts as well: take Pragya Thakur, the poster girl for scooters (non-Bajaj brands only, mind!) in this ugly new India.

This is why the RSS-BJP hires terribly expensive international PR and lobbying firms to whitewash their criminals. They’ve hired yet another one in the US to help them tide over the anti-CAA, NRC and NPR protests. While the RSS-BJP continue to torment Indians at home, world leaders must be made to think that their criminal leaders are saintly, loveable people. And given the pathetic moral fibre of current world leaders, their plan appears to be working just fine.

As long as Modi buys wildly expensive stuff from powerful nations, they will pretend that he’s a jolly good fellow and manfully suffer his hugs. I’m certain the wiser ones keep roll-on muscle relaxants in their jacket pockets on the days they meet him.

My vision for 2020, however, is very different. The anti-CAA, NRC and NPR protests have given me hope that ordinary Indian citizens will continue to fight back. Stand up artist and social commentator Varun Grover’s chant, “Hum kaagaz nahi dikhayenge”, has been taken up by many voices. Several opposition party leaders have joined the chorus too, mainly the Left, INC, DMK, RJD and TMC. I do hope that at least a few BJP allies have a change of heart, but that’s pushing it. Most are like JD(U) Leader Nitish Kumar: it’s only as election season approaches that Nitish Babu pretends he actually is a wonderful secular person trapped inside a Sanghi bigot’s body, screaming to get out.

It’s woefully predictable that as yet another year ends, my top two 2020 resolutions are the same ones I’ve made every year since 2014:

1. Fit into my favourite pair of jeans—the ones I’ve had since I was 17 years old.

2. Expose the RSS-BJP’s lies and bigotry.