BJP’s outlet for emotional release: Retail therapy

Under the leadership of Narendra Modi and his hatchet man Amit Shah, the BJP suffered embarrassing losses in several states. Most of their senior leaders had wooed voters with vicious “goli maaro” chants in Delhi, but Delhi didn’t love the BJP back. This was the last straw on the old cow’s back.

Nobody enjoys rejection—nobody! Here’s how normal people get over it:

1. Read boring self-help books because they work better than sedatives.

2. Send anonymous, tear-stained letters to Agony Aunts in girlie mags.

3. Write sad poetry that’s so bad no one will publish it.

4. Get radical hair makeovers.

5. Get pets they can hug. Parrots are terribly old maid, besides.

6. Indulge in retail therapy.

Sadly, reading and writing are tough tasks for BJP leaders (most can’t even read what’s written on their fake degrees). They’ve already got more pets than they can afford to feed from the media. And even the most gifted hairstylist in the world can’t change a bald man’s hairstyle.

So, the BJP was left with only one outlet for emotional release: retail therapy. They splurged on designer clothes to impress their beloved Dolan Trump on his visit to India, and bought helicopters from the US to make Trump love them enough to overlook their glaring character flaws.

But that wasn’t enough. The BJP still smouldered like a jilted lover—particularly one of their newest goons, Kapil Mishra. He made scary threats yet again and before we knew it, yowls of “Jai Shree Ram” filled the air, and there was a lot of saffron on the streets—enough to make you retch if you see that colour again.

Over forty Indians have lost their lives so far, but the BJP’s devotion to violence continues unabated. Their goons are marching with incendiary posters like “Delhi against Jihadi violence” and still screaming “Goli maaro”. That’s because whenever the BJP’s plans go awry, they fall back on their vote-winning whine: “Hindu khatre mein hai.”

Muddying the waters is another method they use to deflect the blame. They have strategically picked a victim’s name and they’re shouting it in TV studios and on the streets. To hear them speak, only one person was killed in the violence, and that person belonged to the only religion they respect.

The BJP is now in damage control mode. They’re not fixing Delhi, but their image. It’s in their best interests to spread the falsehood that both communities were equally responsible for the violence, and the media has been given strict instructions on how to word their reports. @prasanto posted the following tweet: ‘“Please make sure you don’t use the word pogrom, genocide or fascist/ism in any copy. If it’s in a quote, please get it checked by someone senior before publishing." | internal editorial advisory at a national newspaper. Also in other media houses. Soon: "Skirmishes between neighbors.”’

Now, some advice for women who date angry young men who work for the BJP: if your saffron-scarf wearing boyfriend gives you a surprise present during a riot, you can bet he stole it. Shutters of shops beneath the mosque that was attacked at Ashok Nagar were smashed by a saffron mob. A reporter was present when a shop called Magic Footwear was looted by them and (even more disgusting) neighbours of the Muslim families who had fled the area. They did it in Gujarat in 2002, they’re doing it in Delhi now. These are known as perks of the job.

According to a recent report, they’re looting relief material that you and I have sent for victims too. Astonishing, isn’t it, that Kapil Mishra studied at Delhi School of Social Work (which has called him a blot)? Also, Amnesty International and Greenpeace had better take a good, hard look at their hiring policies, because this rabble rouser worked with them in the past.

So please note: if your BJP boyfriend turns up with 5 kg pack of flour or rice, don’t be puzzled by his sudden conversion into a sweet, homely person—just thank him politely, be exceedingly affectionate, and after he leaves, pack your bags and rush to another part of the world. Then change your name and mobile number and get plastic surgery to alter your features. You absolutely must, because jilted lovers from the BJP are dangerous. Far better to be gored by a mad cow.